A note to the girl who almost gave up on love

Five months ago I would have told myself: don’t. Don’t give up on love. Don’t think yourself so unworthy. Young girl don’t ever blame yourself for the actions of others.

You will be loved and boy is it going to be incredible. Remember your old pal Fitzgerald once said: “There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice”. That blows the notion of a soulmate. For I believe there are many soulmates in our lives. They can be a family member or a friend – it’s not always romantic.

Love is going to find you again. As cliché as it is, it will find you when you’ve learnt (far too late) to love yourself in that brown skin you were born into and haven’t always been so kind to. The world already has so much pain the least you can do in this life is be kind to yourself.

Love is going to come back with green eyes, firmer hands, a steadier head and a kinder heart. A genuine one. It’s going to be the easiest thing you have done, so open, so comfortable you won’t even realise you’ve fallen. You’re going to want to run at first – because it’s crazy scary, you’re out of practice, you haven’t even processed your thoughts. But he’s a solid presence, he stays and waits regardless of your reserved contemplation.

In a weird way you’re going to be grateful for the heartache of months prior. It taught you to be cautious, showed you what you needed and most of all allowed you to get all the screw ups and naivety out the way. It led you to where you were supposed to be. You’ll almost laugh and sit in wonder at why you tried so damn hard before. If it’s real it just works – from both sides. But remember the failures of your past allow you to appreciate when it does work out.

You’re going to find the love you deserve. The love everyone told you was out there but you had bought the lie that there was something broken in you. It’s going to be a love that has no fear. A love where you trust completely – a love where words are followed by direct action. It’s a mature love peppered with daft humour and swoon-y moments.

So don’t give up. Resist the urge to punch all the people who tell you there’s more fish in the sea. Because they are right. You won’t want to hear it because your delicate heart can’t comprehend ever not feeling so lost. But you will find love again – it’s going to excite you, calm the storms in your mind, he’ll open his life completely to you and he won’t bat an eyelid when you think running is not far off the cards. He’s going to show you that not everyone is a d***. That you deserve to be met with an equal love not by halves.

This may be the greatest love yet. Somehow you know it’s different – the future is uncertain but you are certain about the two of you. He’s mad keen remember. You’ve been weathered and put back together, humbled and realistic. It’s the kind of love where you meet in the middle, between both your entangled pain and pasts – both starting anew – one last time. And it works.

Words & Photography: Radhika Mary


I find myself stuck in a weird moment of my life.

Half my peers are engaging, moving in with partners, having babies, travelling the world – yet here I am, writing blog posts at 2am that a handful of people read at any given time…

Autumn. It’s the early hours post-turning a quarter of a century. With two elder sisters, my younger self always assumed by the time you’re in your mid-twenties you have it all figured out and your life is just dandy. Well, I can safely say that I still hold the mentality of my younger years. I get grouchy if I need sleep and short tempered when I need feeding.

Three months ago I endured my first break-up. Lame, you may scoff but my life has been blown wide open at the moment. It’s both exciting and terrifying, mostly the latter I’m not going to lie especially when the sun goes down. The weirdest notion is not knowing what is ahead. Six months ago, I thought I was one of the lucky ones, I had found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my days with. I was wrong then. Now, I still have no idea what is ahead of me. So I dip my toes with slight trepidation.

I’ve grown these past three months more than I did the past two years. I learnt it’s okay to not be okay. That it’s perfectly fine to not have it all figured out. That sometimes we hurt ourselves the most because we lie to ourselves out of insecurity and fear to break free. That when it comes down to it, you really only can count on yourself. Everyone lets you down. Everyone. You’ve simply got to learn to cheer for yourself. I learnt that love is stupid, makes us into fools, yet we blindly follow it and easily fall back into it. Why? I’m still figuring that one out, whether it’s really love or just lust. Lust pedalled by the advertising industry pushing an idealistic, unattainable, illogical mostly destructive addiction onto us.

It’s so easy to be hardened by pain and the world in general. But it’s not advised. I refuse to let past experiences make me less of a person. I’ve always given my all, felt too much, loved openly and strongly. To change any of those would change essential parts of me and not a single damn person is worth that. My main vital organ is off limits for the foreseeable future but that doesn’t mean it will be that way forever. You’d hope at least. I guess you could say I’m more cynical at times but I think that’s more the process of ageing.

Most of all, I’ve learnt to let go of expectations. I’ve never been one for planning ahead, I’m even more so adverse now. Just taking things as they come with invariable pinches of salt.

Words: Radhika Mary